Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Where is my Coffee?

I was summoned to another ward where a patient was asking for me.  He thinks we run a billion dollar company together.  I wish.  Anyway, he needs a bribe to take his medication every morning.  The bribe is coffee.  This is against the Rules, but patients are people, too, and they like to have control over their environment.  This particular morning, the bribing went awry because no regular staff members were on duty.  The patient refused his medication because the staff would not give him coffee.  By the time I got there, a useless supervisor was on the scene.  She questioned me immediately about the billion dollar company, chastising me, "You should have reported that you have a business relationship with a patient."  She believed the patient's grandiose delusion.  If I am a billionaire, why the hell would I work in this hell-hole for so little money?

The patient heard the supervisor speak my name and began yelling for me to bring his coffee.  "Fine," I told him.  The supervisor objected and proceeded to lecture the patient.

"Coffee is bad for you, don't you know that?  You should not drink coffee."

This only set off the patient more.  He yelled back, "Coffee is bad for me?  How about the other poisons you give me every day?  Depakote has made my hair fall out.  Haldol has made me shake so bad that I have to divide drinks into two half-full cups so I don't spill everywhere.  And you have the nerve to tell me that coffee is bad for me?"

The supervisor walked away, shaking her head, while the patient was still ranting.  She loves to stir conflict, but won't engage patients for long.  She spent the rest of the day trying to corner me into answering her questions:  Did I get him coffee after she left and did I report my business relation to human resources.

Yes, I did get him coffee.  Try quitting coffee cold turkey.  It's mean.

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