Saturday, January 2, 2016

At Your Service

"After careful consideration, we are naming you as our new Head First Responder to emergency codes," the witch beamed ear to ear while everyone else around the table smiled and nodded.  Everyone except me. 

"What?" I asked. 

"It's a new position.  Well, in addition to your other position.  Or positions.  I don't know what you do every day.  Anyway, you will be responding to all the codes, you know, emergencies, to lead the team in what they are supposed to be doing, directing the staff, calling for additional help as you determine is necessary, documenting, doing the reports, and replacing any supply used."  She said this in one breath and then smiled big when she could breathe again. 

"What?" I asked again. 

The smile dissipated from the faces of some of the people present.  Another witch chimed in. 

"Well, you know we had that problem a few months back," she said slowly, ready to change direction if she sensed I was not believing her. 

I didn't say anything.  There have been many problems and I didn't want to express any interest by asking which problem they were using to justify this latest dump on me. 

Annoyed by my silence, she said curtly, "YOU were at the meeting." 

Oh yes.  One of many strange things here.  About a month ago, a meeting was sprung on me with my immediate supervisor frantic, warning me to "Don't miss this mandatory meeting!  You will be in trouble!"  She ignored my protests that nobody told me and that I'm not important enough to be specifically requested at a meeting. 

Maybe fifteen people were at the meeting last month.  The woman who spoke was supposedly reviewing an emergency event, but "because of HIPAA, we can't say the patient's name or condition."  I didn't recall hearing about the event that was the topic of the meeting, but I am out of the loop and without a patient's name or even a date, I had no chance of knowing.  She kept looking at me, as if this whole meeting was directed to me, which is strange because nobody thinks I am important.  The speaker concluded that oxygen should have been given to the patient sooner, even though the patient had no difficulty breathing, the oxygen saturation was 99 percent on room air, and the patient had no bad effects from not getting oxygen.  I left the meeting thinking that this was a waste of time and made no sense.

 

Now I was connecting the dots.  That meeting was staged to lay the ground work for shifting emergency response to me instead of the nurses and doctors who are on the wards taking care of the patients. 

"None of this makes any sense," I said. 

The original witch smiled and said, "That's okay.  It will after we explain it to you.  We have time.  You are not expected to begin fulfilling these duties until the first of next month." 

"I have no emergency training," I tried. 

"That's okay.  You were chosen because you are so smart and can handle anything.  It's an honor.  A compliment," the witch lied. 

"I'm not here around the clock," I tried another angle.  "You need to leave the current emergency response system in place." 

"We know you aren't here around the clock," the witch replied and giggled, with other witches joining her.  "So when you are not here, the original emergency plan is in effect."  She paused.  "It all works out.  We planned this.  It took a few weeks, but we wrote a whole new policy making you responsible for this." 

"You did all this without me, and I am supposedly the center of this new plan," I said.  I was pissed.  This is a set-up. 

"But you were at that meeting," the witch repeated. 

I needed to flee before I lost my composure.  "I have to use the bathroom!" I blurted and walked to the door, where an Evil Supervisor had been standing, listening. 

"Oh, Nurse Enid, I am so happy that I found you," she sang.  She looked at the people in the room and said, "Did you have the meeting?  Everything has been told to Nurse Enid?" 

"Yes, looks like we're done here," the main witch answered. 

"Great," the Evil Supervisor said.  "Nurse Enid, now that you have this new important duty, I regret that I must tell you that you have already been derelict in your duties.  One of the wards just called me and reported that they looked through their supply of sterile gloves, which is your job, not theirs, by the way, and found that more than half had expired months ago.  I thought, How could this happen?  We all know Nurse Enid to be such a good worker.  So I said to them, 'Before you write her up, let me speak to her.  Let me ask her how she could let such a thing slide and place our patients in jeopardy.'  So I am giving you an opportunity right now to fix this error that you made before I have to write it up." 

I looked over at the main witch with a disgusted look. 

"I'm not sure that old stuff is covered in this new position," the main witch said. 

"But it is having an adverse effect on patient care right now," the supervisor countered. 

"True," the main witch answered. 

They were all in on this. 

"You know what," I said to the supervisor, trying to sound calm, "I was just on my way to the bathroom when you appeared.  I have no sterile gloves in my work area, so I have none to give to a ward.  So you go right ahead and write me up, in actual writing and not orally, so we can take it from there.  And make sure you send me a copy." 

"If that's what you want," Evil Supervisor said. 

"In writing is best," I answered. 

She sent no write-up to me. 

What in the world am I supposed to do now?
 

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